Gone But Never Forgotten
For many of us, a pet is not just LIKE a member of the family
but IS a member of the family. When we lose a family member,
we grieve. Problems arise when we do not (or cannot) accept
this loss as normal. When a father, mother, spouse, or other
relative dies, there are any number of individuals who help support
us through the grief period. When we lose a pet, those same
well-meaning supporters are apt to say "It's only a dog (cat, bird,
hamster or any other creature with which we've shared our lives)
just go get another one." They don't realize how they are
diminishing the strong feelings we harbor for this creature that
loved us unconditionally. Therefore, we feel we are
responding inappropriately to our loss and the grief cycle cannot
be followed nor realized.
How can you recognize grief?
Grief affects us physically, socially, emotionally,
psychologically, and spiritually. It is a normal and
necessary part of recovering from loss. While grieving, you
may feel exhausted, unable to sleep, or want to sleep most of the
time. You may find that you want to shun the company of
others, lose your appetite or want to "bury" your grief by eating
more than normal. You may experience physical signs of
anxiety such as a racing heart or shortness of breath. It may
be hard to concentrate or remember things.
What you are feeling is real. All stages of grief must be
worked through in order for healing to occur. Psychiatrist,
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. first defined the 5 stages of Receiving
Catastrophic News in her book, "On Death and Dying". Through
the ensuing years, counselors, clergy, etc. have used the stages in
grief counseling so much that they have now evolved into the 5
stages of grief.
- Shock/Denial - the reality has not hit
yet…this can't be true.
- Anger - you may lash out at your family, the
veterinarian, yourself, anyone - someone must be responsible for
this horrible thing.
- Bargaining - "I'll do anything if you'll just
bring my pet back."
- Depression - Your life style has
changed. You miss your beloved pet. You may lose your
appetite or be unable to sleep.
- Acceptance - You begin to realize that life
does go on. Changes are made and you adjust to your
loss. You don't forget your missing pet but you pick up your
life and proceed forward.
These stages can occur in any sequence and you may slip back
into one you have already experienced. You may progress
through these stages rapidly or slowly. None of these things
is unusual or wrong. Problems occur when we get stuck in one
stage and cannot get out. Don't apologize or be ashamed of
your feelings. If we didn't love, we wouldn't grieve and true
love is always returned. Don't allow anyone to diminish that
love or rob you of the need to honor it.
Where Can I Find Help Understanding My
Feelings?
Pet Loss Support Hotline is a
hotline sponsored by the Cornell University, College of Veterinary
Medicine. The student staffed hot line is available Tuesday
through Thursday, 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. EST. There are links for
other support hotlines and resources for grieving.
Ten Tips on Coping with
Pet Loss is a resource for the grieving pet owner.
Besides the 10 tips, there are links for support groups, counselors
and pet cemeteries in each state. Also, there are links to
companies that can provide caskets, urns, headstones, memorial
products and artwork etc.