Pet Loss

Gone But Never Forgotten

To many of us, a pet is not LIKE a member of the family but IS a member of the family. When we lose a family member, we grieve. Problems arise when we do not (or cannot) accept this loss as normal. When a father, mother, spouse, or other relative dies, there are any number of individuals who help support us through the grief period. When we lose a pet, those same well-meaning supporters are apt to say “It’s only a dog (cat, bird, hamster or any other creature with whom we’ve shared our lives). Just go get another one.” They don’t realize how they are diminishing the strong feelings that we harbor for this creature that loved us unconditionally. Therefore, we feel that we are responding inappropriately to our loss and the grief cycle cannot be followed nor reconciled.

Pets are being used in support services and health care as well as being made part of the family unit as a friend or companion. Children learn love, devotion, responsibility, respect for life, and how to set priorities when they are allowed to help care for the family pet. Physically and emotionally challenged children, as well as adults, often find pets helpful therapy. Pets are known to lower blood pressure and help keep the elderly active and alert. In the family unit, they provide laughs and exercise possibilities as well as teaching nurturing, love and companionship. “It’s just an animal” cannot ever be true when all these things are realized.

How can you recognize grief?

Grief affects us physically, socially, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. It is a normal and necessary part of recovering from loss. While grieving, you may feel exhausted, unable to sleep, or want to sleep most of the time. You may find that you want to shun the company of others, lose your appetite, or want to “bury” your grief by eating more than normal. You may experience physical signs of anxiety such as a racing heart or shortness of breath. It may be hard to concentrate or remember things.

O.K. so you know that you’re grieving. What can you do about it?

• First --- Your grief and pain is real. Please do not be afraid of the intensity of your feelings. You may experience a wide range of feelings that may confuse you. Write about your feelings or talk to someone who will listen and hear your pain. Journals or scrapbooks can be either a personal outlet or a family project that can be shared by everyone. Above all, don’t let others diminish your feelings. Grief takes time and we each heal at different rates.
  
  
• Second --- Feel free to honor your pet with a funeral or memorial service. Depending on individual zoning restrictions, it may or may not be possible for you to bury your pet at home. Pet cemeteries not only have various burial options available but also have crematoriums enabling your pet’s ashes to be returned to you.
  
  
• Third --- Donate money or supplies to a local shelter or humane association in honor of your pet. Plant a tree or shrub as a living memorial to your pet.
  
  
• Fourth --- Getting another pet immediately may not be the best answer. A new pet will never take the place of the one you have lost. A new pet deserves the right to make his or her own special place in your heart not just to be a copy of the pet he’s replacing. If you trust yourself, you will know when the time is right to get a new pet. In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve for your lost pet. He or she deserves it --- and you deserve the time you need to heal from your loss.
  
  
• Fifth --- Children! It’s natural to want to protect your children from all unhappy, hurtful things. However, the loss of a family pet may be the first time your child has had to deal with the loss of a loved one. This experience may allow him to prepare for losses that will occur in his future. If euthanasia is necessary, be honest and explain how this is an option that is available for relieving suffering in pets that is not available with humans. Children can usually tell when an adult lies to them. Lying about what happened (“Fluffy ran away.”) can open avenues of distrust toward adults --- or, if the lie is believed, feelings of guilt or unworthiness (“What did I do to make her want to leave?”) His grief and pain will be just as real as yours and he needs to be allowed the honor of acknowledging and accepting his grief and loss. Let him be a part of planning the funeral or memorial service --- or help him make a memory box that can hold the pet’s collar, photo, favorite toy, or any number of combinations. Above all be honest with him and let him know that it all right to grieve.
  

Where Can I Find Help Understanding My Feelings?

There are many books written about this emotional time.

Go to GoHastings, Barnes & Noble, Borders or Amazon and search under “pet loss.”

Pet-Loss offers excerpts from Moira Anderson’s book Coping with Sorrow on Loss of Your Pet. Ms Anderson addresses such topics as “Pre-Loss Bereavement” (the time before a pet’s death when you’re awakening to the fact that your pet is dying), “Euthanasia:The Most Painful Decision” and many more pertinent topics. This site offers links and hotlines to many more helpful sites.

The menu here offers a list of veterinary schools that have student-staffed hot lines for grieving pet owners.

Pet Loss Support is a website that was started by a grieving pet owner. This site offers an on-line pet loss support group that meets online every Tues from 9-10 pm Eastern time. It provides other grief resources, and information to help those who have lost a pet.”

PetLoss.com offers inspirational writings, a chat room for on-line grief support, and message board to communicate with others who are grieving.

What you are feeling is real. All stages of grief must be worked through in order for healing to occur. Psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. first defined the 5 stages of Receiving Catastrophic News in her book On Death and Dying. Through the ensuing years, counselors, clergy, etc. have used the stages in grief counseling so much that they have now evolved into the 5 stages of grief.

1. Shock/denial --- the reality has not hit yet…this can’t be true.
   
   
2. Anger --- you may lash out at your family, the veterinarian, yourself anyone ---someone must be responsible for this horrible thing.
   
   
3. Bargaining --- “I’ll do anything if you’ll just bring my pet back.”
   
   
4. Depression --- Your life style has changed. You miss that beloved pet. You may lose your appetite or be unable to sleep.
   
   
5. Acceptance --- You begin to realize that life does go on. Changes are made and you adjust to your loss. You don’t forget your missing pet but you pick up your life and proceed forward.

These stages can occur in any sequence and you may slip back into one you have already experienced. You may progress though these stages rapidly or slowly. None of these things is unusual nor wrong. Problems occur when we get stuck in one stage and cannot get out.

Don’t apologize or be ashamed of your feelings. If we didn’t love, we wouldn’t grieve and true love is always returned Don’t allow anyone to diminish that love or rob you of the need to honor it.